Red Filled Moon. Chapter one.

[size=15pt]Red Filled Moon

[size=1.35em] The young elf jolted awake. He looked around, very unsure of the unfamiliar surroundings. It was a white room; a wooden border stretched the whole length of the wall. Intricate designs of roses and lilies strangled the border. It was a fairly large room. The only color in sight was the dark red of the curtains that tried to smother the daylight out of the room.

[size=1.35em]His head swooned, he had no idea what he was doing here. He did know that he should have been outside doing… something… not sitting here resting… Then a rather strange thought hit him. “ Who the hell am I?” He wondered aloud. He wasn’t sure of much, but he should have at least known his own name. That much he was sure of.

[size=1.35em]He flung his legs off of the matress, his legs were having a hard time moving correctly. He knew how to move them, it was just rather frustrating that his muscles wouldn’t do what he asked them to do. Aggravated, he grabbed the chair next to his bed, and used it to hobble his way over to the door. About the time he finally reached it the door meekly creaked open. A petrified woman stood in the doorway, a white gown, and folded cap with a red cross emblazoned on it, told the elf, that this was a nurse… but why did she look like that, she was shaking, not from the chill that was in the air, but from fear. She backed up against the wall of the hallway behind her.
“[size=1.35em]What the hell is that monster doing up? He had been in that horrible sleep for months!” she mumbled to herself. Then a deep, faint voice broke the stereotype altogether.

“[size=1.35em]Miss, is there something the wrong?” He looked at her, his deep, calm green eyes pierced right through her, he was desperate for an answer. He had only been awake for a couple minutes, but the questions were eating him alive. She appeared to calm down, she looked down, straightened her blouse, the creases obeying her hands and flattening out. “No there is nothing wrong. Nothing at all. You’ve been asleep for a long time, and you startled me standing at the door is all” an obvious lie, as the shakiness in her voice gave away her clear anxiety. “Miss where am I. And who am I?”, again the softness in his voice got the better of her. Definatly not the stare, nor the voice of a monster, as she was perceiving him to be a moment ago.

“[size=1.35em]Ummmm…”, she looked down again, fidgeting with her blouse, pondering wether or nt she had the authority to tell this man these questions, she looked back up, noticeing how his black bangs framed his face and eyes so well…

“[size=1.35em]The name on the military dog tags that hung around your neck when you were admitted into the hospital was Shadowmeire. You have been in a coma for about three months”, she said, deciding that he had the right to his own name, and what he was doing in a shirt that had no back to it.

“[size=1.35em]And where is ‘here’” he retorted at pointblank.
“[size=1.35em]'Here, is Nimloth Hospital in the Talus Peaks”, she said, becoming a bit more angsty at his change in tone. “Now I have to go, the doctor will be in to evaluate you in a few hours”, as soon as she said that she clung to her files and scurried away. Shadowmeire backed into the hospital bed, as it was still easier to back, rather than turn around and waste energy. He sat on the bed, and dozed off to sleep while waiting for the doctor to visit him…

[size=1.35em] Legions of evil seemed to spring forth onto the battlefield. The undead, twisted manifestations of hatred, and terror, hellbent on the destruction of everything, surrounded a small militia. The putrid smells of sweat, blood and carnage seemed to strangle any real air that could be inhaled. The chargeing forces quickly overwhelmed Shadowmeire’s small company. He heard some men yelling some he couldn’t understand, some where just the valiant war cries of a doomed solider next to him. What he did hear was a commanding officer “KILL THE NECROMANCER!” His eyesight quickly looked over the top of the undead army at the silhouette of a person. Green flames leapt from the taloned hand and another skeleton came into being.”KILL THE NECROMANCER!!!”, he heard again. Shadowmeire swung his morning star into the helm of another skelly, smashing its skull in as the rest of it crumpled to the ground. He was making ground. He heard a sword slash past his ear, then felt a slice pierce his chain mail, he fell to the ground, only to see the empty eye sockets peering down into them. Then everything was dark.

[size=1.35em]It felt like hours. “Am I dead?’

“[size=1.35em]Where is that bright light?”

“[size=1.35em]I must be dead. Is this really it? Am I in purgatory?”

[size=1.35em]And then he heard it. A deep guttural sound, like a deep, beating bark that his ears were intently focused on. He knew that sound. It was the roar of a creature that he hated more than anything else in this world. The creature that had slain his village in one night, and had plagued his every nightmare.
[size=1.35em]Then it was a deep searing pain in his collar bone. He had been bit…

[size=1.35em]Shadowmeire shot up in his bed again. He reached for his collarbone, there was nothing there, no scar, no teeth marks. It was just a dream after all. He looked over to seen an oil lantern. It was dark now. The curtains had won their fight with the sun. Now all they had to fight was the moonlight, and the clouds were doing a good job with helping in that fight. Next he noticed a man on the other side of the lantern, a crooked nose, holding up the glare of round glasses. A thin frame of a face was shocked by his sudden movement. Sweat dripped from Shadow’s hair and down his chin, where it dropped off onto his body.

“[size=1.35em]That was quite the nightmare you were having, young man”, the red flicker of the lantern made his glasses seem to eerily glare at Shadow.

“[size=1.35em]Was I? I’m sorry for that. I didn’t mean to startle you. That nurse from earlier seems startled by me being awake as well”

“[size=1.35em]That was Hannah. Don’t worry about her she comes from a superstitious group of people from the north. I’m Dr Fredricks, I’ve been running some diagnostics and blood samples since you have woke up. While I’m waiting on that, I was doing some other paper work, When you were in the coma, I often would come in here to get away from everyone, and to make it look like I was working.” again, it seemed to Shadow how creepy this guy was, as a wry smile appeared under the eery glare of his glasses.

“[size=1.35em]Doctor, do you by chance, know who brought me here in the first place? And what cause my coma?”, the questions just kept bubbling up to the surface of his mind.

“[size=1.35em]Well i’m not sure about who brought you. The rumor was, it was a pair of stark-naked, shaggy men. Both had a yellow eye. When the help staff that night turned around, both were gone. As for the coma, it was a biological manifestation that was attacking your brain, and causing it to swell. We got the swelling down the first night you were here, but you wouldn’t wake up. We started detoxifying your blood, and that is when you awoke today, when the detox was completed just last night. The blood tests im running now is to see the ratio of contaminated blood to regular and see what we get.”

[size=1.35em]Shadowmeire understood everything that the doctor had said; he had a medical background… somewhere. He couldn’t remember where the training came from, but it wasn’t really a concern at the moment. The one thing he couldn’t grasp, was who were the two shaggy men? One yellow eye? But the eyes of humans, elves, and dwarves were blue, hazel, red, brown,and green… Orcs sometimes had yellow pupils. But Orcs wouldn’t be anywhere near a human settlement and not be shot on sight.

[size=1.35em]Then it hit him, it wasn’t a ‘who’, but rather a ‘what’.

“[size=1.35em]It sure is dark in here”, wick on the lantern had almost withered to nothing,”lets open the curtains a bit, the farmers almanac said it would be a beautiful, harvest moon tonight. Hopefully it will bring some light on the paper work!”, Fredericks yawned and stretched, opening the red curtain in a swift moment. Before Shadow could even say no, the moon shown in through the window. A searing pain shot down his collarbone and down the rest of his body. He jolted out of the bed, then crumpled to the ground. The doctor reached out to him. “Son are you ok?”, fear welled up inside of him, he quickly backed away as suddenly as he had reached out, creeping against the wooden boarder towards the door, trying to leave. He knew his folly that night was not telling the others where he would be that evening.

[size=1.35em]Shadow’s eyes teared up, he heaved from chest pains as his pupils turned into amber slits. Talons spintered his finger and toenails. The short hair on his back, arms, and legs grew exponentially, and then the final transformation took place: The bowing of his back, his forarms stretched out, canines teeth and fangs replaced his molars, his legs forced him to hunch down on all fours, his screams turned into a deep guttural roar, and his mouth stretched into a muzzle. The harvest moon had finally showed itself from the clouds, As the doctor turned the door handle, the great beast before him became aware of his presence, and stalked towards to the door, his ebony fangs gleamed in the moonlight. Only two things pervaded its mind: Blood and flesh.

[size=1.35em]Hannah heard the shrieks and the roar from several hallways away, as she came closer to the door, she heard a great crash, and then it was quiet. She had an idea of what to expect when she turned the door handle. It wasn’t close to the reality though. Fredericks was torn to shreds. He was unrecognizable. If it hadn’t been for the name tag he bore, she wouldn’t have known it was him. An eye was on his chest. Part of his hand was on the bed. He was also disembowled, and the white tile was stained the same color as the curtains.

Just one word: Amazing!

I like it, you got me wanting SO MUCH MORE! You should give his monstrous werewolf form some exposition/thoughts! And maybe a bit more description on the transformation scene, just for this time. That way the reader knows what it looks like and every other time you mention it, you wont have to go into as much detail. Oh and a bit more description on the room. Like colors/height/scenery outside/ect. By the way, I edited this a bit, so there might be some things you haven’t read. I just keep thinking of things!

In the next few chapters he will, no worries there Jet. Glad to know people like it though. XD ive posted this in a couple other places, but never really had anyone read it.

This is awesome!

I really enjoyed the amount of detail, particularly in the gory bits. But I agree with jet, more detail on the transformation.

The starting paragraph might need rewording slightly too. It doesn’t flow as well as the rest of it.

I suggest changing this:

To this:

It was a white room; a wooden border stretched the whole length of the wall. Intricate designs of roses and lilies strangled the border. It was a fairly large room. The only color in sight was the dark red of the curtains that tried to smother the daylight out of the room.

Also I just realised this is my 2501st post. I missed 2500 :confused:

Adding on to what ouhai said I believe that you may want to chose a different word instead of using boarder twice quite close together. It doesn’t seem to flow as well with the two of them so close together.

Ooh! this is good! You have successfully grabbed my attention and pulled me in with the mystery of the guys background. I particularly like some of the words you’ve used to describe things, such as ‘hobbled’, paints a much better picture on my mind than some of the more common words people go for.

I do agree with Ouhai that you might need to reconsider your wording for some of the paragraphs though to allow it to flow better, not only in the paragraph with the border, but also the one about the curtains ‘fight’ with the sun and moon,

for example id leave the last bit simply at " and the clouds were doing a good job with helping"

though in contrast to others, i for one feel the vague description of the transformation fits this chapter just fine, since i’d imagine Shadowmeire has little time to consider in detail about whats happening to him in the blurred confusion of the moment

I look forward to the next chapter :slight_smile:

this is why i leave it a bit vague. glad to hear someone caught on to it

Your dialouge leaves a lot to be desired in the grammar area, you aren’t spacing it- at all! Dialouge from a sifferent character always has a new indentation(paragraph), dialouge is never in the middle of a paragraph unless, for example, this happens:

He wondered aloud "Where the hell am I?", it occured to him that he also did not remmeber his name, at that, he yelled, "Who am I?", at this moment the door creaked open. "Who are you!" he yelled.
 "I am but a nurse in this institution...."</blockquote>

Anyhow, you get the point?

Brodur. Were you raised as a Nazi? =P

Yes, you are an adult, this means you had schooling, use it! Silly Shadow, or the SS, is on the case.

eh, ill fix it later. CBA to fix it atm. ill fix it later.

Chapter 2 will be comming tomorrow.

Do you mind if I print this out and make what corrections I see fit? Then collate everything together at the end? It’s hard for me to critically think while looking at my monitor…

Also spellcheck

i dont mind at all, sip. Go for it

Like i said chapter 2 will be comming out tomorrow on the same thread

[size=15pt]Red Filled Moon:
[size=15pt]Chapter 2

[size=1.35em]The harvest moon was finally starting to wane.
[size=1.35em]Shadowmeire had been running all night. Running from the alarm that had sounded. Running from the screams. Running from himself. At the end of the moon’s power, he was gradually returning to a conscious state. He now knew what he had become, and it pained him to know there was no cure for it. The only way he would be allowed to rest would be to kill himself… but how did he know that? The questions kept pounding in his head, to the point that he ignored the trees he barreled over, and the whipping wind in his now acute ears.
[size=1.35em] By the time he was out of the immense forest on the side of the Talus Peaks, he had come to a clearing. The Moon had finally sank behind the mountain’s peak, where it seemed to impale itself, bleeding a silver light upon the mountain, finally submitting to the sun’s mighty rays. Shadowmeire fell over on the grass from exhaustion, and fainted from the pain his limbs felt.
[size=1.35em]Fur, talon, and fangs merely dropped off of his body in the early morning hours, piling in a heap on, and around him, decomposition already taking place in the bloated, putrid heap.

[size=1.35em] It was midday. The sun was shining down on him. Again, he looked up, unsure where he was. He remembered running into a clearing, but he had no idea where it was, only that he was away from the hospital. The heaps of now rotten material dropped from his body, blood seemed to stream from every orifice of his . “Damnit my I’m sore”, he groaned, staggering onto a tree trunk. His bare feet seemed to stick to the grass from all the nasty gore that was in between his toes. He squinted, looking around for any landmarks. To his left was the Talus Peaks, and the town of Nimloth, where he had just come from, a great mountain range that appeared to stand defiantly against everything. To his right there was a shallow canyon, a slim, torrent of a river running through it. Straght ahead of him, over the top of the river was a stone bridge that seemed to be carved out of the living rock of the mountains. A huge, cavernous maw, with stalagmites hanging from its ceiling, crystals of water dripping from the huge spires, showing off both its beauty, and its deadliness. He started to stagger towards the huge land bridge, hopefull to find a stairway or path down to the river, so he may find a small eddy to bathe the nasty stench that clung to his body.
[size=1.35em] As he made his way down, he did indeed find a worn path that led down to the rivers edge, he also, to his dismay, found a young girl with a wooden pail peering over the edge of a tattered fence, into the rapids.
[size=1.35em]Shit now what do I do?, [size=1.35em]was the only thing that he could think. He looked on both sides of the path, and found a good sized bush to hide behind. He sat behind it, for what seemed to be a good half an hour, and yet the girl did not stir. She was clothed in long robes, they appeared to be a bit to big, a neclace and a couple rings adorned her outfit, all bearing a few jewels. Her round face gave her away to be no older than 13, a bobbed haircut with a single small pigtail finished her face. She really was an adorable, [size=1.35em]innocent[size=1.35em], looking child. All the more reason to stay away from her. He didn’t want to shock someone so young with the visage of a naked vagabond. This whole time though, Shadowmeire found it to be the queerest sight, as she was peering into the water, her gnarled staff held out in front of her, and she seemed to be talking to herself in a soft tone. Finally at length, an orb of water appeared, it darted to eye level. Her face bubbled with excitement, and then went stone cold with concentration, she pointed at the bucket, and the orb hopped in. She jumped around gleefully, extremely happy with what she had done. After doing the happy dance, she hooked the bucket onto the end of her staff, and started up the path. [size=1.35em]DAMNIT[size=1.35em], again the only thing that came to mind, Shadow had no where to go, he was in the presence of a mage, something he had very little knowledge of, and no where to go. Hopeing she would just walk past him, he pressed his body against the bush.
[size=1.35em] “Whos there” She had heard the rustle of Shadow’s movement. She pointed the staff towards it, and levitated Shadowmeire into the air from his left ankle, pulling his whole body straight into the air. Luckily for both of them, a branch was stuck on his manhood, so even as it drooped toward his stomach, she didn’t have to learn anything the hard way.
[size=1.35em] “Ummm… could you put me down please?” as Shadow made his request she squealed, and slammed him down, and as she did so, she levitated the contents of the bucket with her right hand and shot it as him. It landed on on his chest with a sploosh, and made him stagger backwards a step. He chocked on some of the water that made its way down his air pipe, his eyes teared up from the sudden jolt.
“[size=1.35em]Damn kid, you pack a whallop!” he hacked up some more water.
[size=1.35em] “Well sorry but you startled me!” she yelled at him, “What kind of naked pervert spies on young girls like that? I have half a mind to send you to the authorities!”
[size=1.35em] “Whoa hold on there! Its not what you think. I honestly didn’t mean anything! I was coming down to clean my body, and you just happen to be there! I didn’t [size=1.35em]want[size=1.35em] to startle you, but you found me anyways, thats why I was hiding in that bush! Honest!”
[size=1.35em]Her eyes softened a bit, she was looking him up and down, at the gore that was covering his nude form, the blood that was stuck in his hair. She realize she was quick to judge, and she felt a bit guilty. “Are you ok? I didn’t notice a moment ago, but you are [size=1.35em]covered[size=1.35em] in blood. Do you need help?”

[size=1.35em] “Yeah help would be nice”, he said flatly.
“[size=1.35em]What is your name? I can take you to the cathedral, I’m sure that Aeris would be more than happy to help you out. Hes always taking in vagabonds and helping them get back on their feet.”
“[size=1.35em]Honestly, I don’t know. You can call me Shadowmeire for the time being, and if you dont mind I still want to get cleaned off before going anywhere.”

[size=1.35em]THATS A WEIRD NAME [size=1.35em]“Ill tell you what, you wanna get cleaned off, and im training my telekinesis ability for school, lets help each other out!” a wry smile appeared on her face.

“[size=1.35em]Ok what did you have in mind?” Shadow just wanted to go. It was getting hot, and the river was looking really inviting. She beckoned him to come down the path a bit more. She peered into the water again, and this time about four spheres, this time much bigger surrounded Shadow, and all splashed upon im in a constant barrage of water. When he looked presentable, aside from the rudeness, and the spot where the branch had slipped off, much to the embarrassment of them both, They went back up the path and slipped into the tunnel.

“[size=1.35em]I know that town is the other way, young lady, so shouldn’t we start…” his words trailed off in the echoing tunnel, he couldn’t believe it. There was a blue coloration in front of him. It wasn’t stone… or liquid of anykinds, and yet there it was. A navy blue swirl that seemed to spiral into itself… the girl just slipped into it… like this was normal. “ Okay… here goes nothing”, he gulped, and help his breath after a second, and stepped into the portal. He was instantly sucked in. It was cold, and dry and he felt like he was going to die and then he was in the center hub of a town. He opened his eyes. It was bright and it stung his eyes in contrast to the darkness of the town portal he had just stepped in. When he turned around to look at it though, it was compressing itself, and vanishing from sight… “Ok, THAT was weird” To his dismay, the townsfolk thought that a young man streaking in town with a young girl was even odder, as everyone was stareing intently in his direction. He just hung his head and continue to trudge right behind the girl he had met by the river. She wasn’t hard to spot in the crowd either, which was good. She was floating on a small blue globe, eye level with your average adult. Apparently though, that was more normal to these people than a naked vagabond. [size=1.35em]Makes sense I guess[size=1.35em], he thought to himself, rolling his eyes as he continued to try to keep up.

[size=1.35em]After about a half hour of walking down the cobblestone streets, they came to a crossroad. At the end of the road was a castle. Its immense size was framed by the small medieval houses, their amber roofs seemed to melt in the late afternoon sun. Spectacular, and beautiful as the castle was, it was equaled in majesty, to the building at his right. The cathedral was huge. Oak doors on immense iron hinges, the archway leading into the building was lined in ornate jade, emerald, and sapphire carvings. The door itself was scarred with countless wooden frescos lining the door with the images of great men, adorned in helmets, cloaks and miters. All of them giving tribute to a man who bore a set of wings.

[size=1.35em]The small frame of the girl was severly outmatched by these doors, and yet with a fling of her hand, they swung open. Shadow started to walk inside, when a young woman at his flank caught his attention. She was covered in tattoos. A small one, like a tear drop under her right eye, a swirl covered her belly from both sides, and a tribal sleeve covered her left arm. She had dirty blonde, curly hair, and purple eyes that seemed to cut straight into him.

“[size=1.35em]Shadowmeire, sir, are you coming?”, the young girl from the river looked at him, her blue eyes almost seemed to big for her face, and yet they fit her really well…

“[size=1.35em]Yes im coming” he turned, and the woman was gone. Thinking nothing of it, he turned, and strode into the cathedral. The glare of the light caught his eyes and blinded him just a bit.

Damn, Chapter two got no love today :wink:

Anyhoo, expect chapter 3 tomorrow.

Well this one definetely looks as great as the first one.
Firstly, I think that the “Damnit I’m sore” does not really need to be said in dialogue or could be described in a better way.
Secondly, I think that you also could have used a better description than “…after doing the happy dance…”
Thirdly, I think that it is a gosh darn amazing piece of literature. I truly believe that the topic that you chose and your way of writing are a amazing match.

All in all amazing!

Thanks,
Semi

I noticed a couple of issues, and since you asked for commentary I’m going to be nitpicky.

One was that the following sentence was never completed.

The heaps of now rotten material dropped from his body, blood seemed to stream from every orifice of his .

You also lost a ’ and a . in the following.

“Whos there” She had heard the rustle of Shadow's movement.
I'm not a grammar genius but I'm pretty sure it should be "Who's there."

Oh and “hoping” doesn’t have an E in it.

Hopeing she would just walk past him, he pressed his body against the bush.

Another minor thing was the excessive use of commas. For example

Her face bubbled with excitement, and then went stone cold with concentration, she pointed at the bucket, and the orb hopped in. She jumped around gleefully, extremely happy with what she had done. After doing the happy dance, she hooked the bucket onto the end of her staff, and started up the path.

Should probably be;

Her face bubbled with excitement and then went stone cold with concentration; she pointed at the bucket and the orb hopped in. She jumped around gleefully, extremely happy with what she had done. After doing the happy dance she hooked the bucket onto the end of her staff and started up the path.

Finally, vary how you prefer to your characters. For example, in regards to the mage character you could varying refer to her as the girl, she, her and the mage just to break up always using “she” for everything. It’s a minor thing though.

Also, doubled spacing between paragraphs might be better for presentation. It’s kind of wall of text presently.

Sorry to be so critical! It’s a great story so far.

Dang Anj beat me to the punch on that one. i think i get what your trying to say here but i had to read this line twice to have it make any sense, so as Anj said it feels unfinished, or needs serious rewording

I’m currently loving the way your unfolding the world to us, giving us just enough to see how beautiful it is, but witholding enough to keep us wanting to know what you’ll throw at us next. Also loved the slightly embarrassing, comedic moments of having to walk nude through a crowded town square…i’m sure its something we can all relate to :stuck_out_tongue:

That sentence was probably screwed over when I was editing sorry about that! I’ll go back and take suggestions into account, thanks a ton. Sylv, you will see comedic parts in this story, I just hope you guys enjoy my sense of humor.Thanks for reading everyone. Like I said I’ll have chapter 3 out today.