Holy crap. Same happened to me back in june. After calling my computer company, mojang, ect. millions of times, I resolved the issue, and now Im back. I hope it works soon man. Ill water the plants while your gone
BTW: did u tryed uninstall MC, java and cleaning registry? and ofc manually cleaning .minecraft directory? grab Ubuntu Live DVD copy http://www.ubuntu.com/desktop, and try to instal MC on that live image, if it works, that means that its sth with ur windows, and that means that u need to uninstall MC, java and clean registry for sure.
What’s the exact error you’re getting? Can you get to the main Minecraft menu (Singleplayer, Multiplayer, Options…), or are you stuck at the Minecraft News screen?
Chances are, it’s an issue on Mojang’s end. Ubuntu Live CDs and reinstalling Java shouldn’t be part of the problem; if there was a problem with Java/Windows/your computer, you’d probably be seeing bigger problems. My only advice is to re-install Minecraft and hope that works, otherwise I suggest you follow @jmvvana’s course of action.