YES! I can now play Minecraft after a week of troubleshooting! I could NOT find out what was wrong with it, so after 6 days, I decided to report on JIRA. (reporting on a website is like the programmer walk of shame XD). They said that all I needed to do was reinstall Java, and it WORKS! I can’t be on until Midnight Minneapolis/Chicago time, so, yeah…
Buildin,
BryceDestroyer03
You mean you didn’t try that first?
There’s a reason all the IT support guys begin with ‘did you turn it off then on again?’ It’s cos it usually works 
Is apparently a programmer.
Didn’t reinstall the broken thing.
G fucking G.
Wao XD
I would hardly call reporting on JIRA a walk of shame; somebody has to ask a question at least once, or else how would we find the solution on Google?
And yeah, what Ouhai said too. In terms of effort/time spent vs possibility of results, reinstalling is one of the first things you should definitely try (not just for Java).
Yeah, I did try reinstalling the launcher, because I didn’t even think it was a Java problem. XD
The answer to all problems.
Yeah… About that… If you made something, and someone was having problems with it, would you want them to tell you? A significant majority of MOJIRA reports are from programmers. I’ve reported about thirty problems on MOJIRA and countless reports on others.
MOJIRA is there to report issues you have, so if anybody else is having issues: Report Them!